Heidegger and Bart Simpson do crypto

Truth is often stranger than fiction, but nowhere more so than in the world of cryptocurrencies, where the lines between the two are blurring at an alarming rate.

This week (at least) two potentially groundbreaking papers on digital assets were published. One was intended as a serious piece of research distributed to journalists; the other, a broad parody. Readers are invited to guess which is which. Correct answers win a sticker depicting a vomiting camel formation.

Sam Kopelman, UK manager of crypto broker Luno, rushed to provide clients with expert commentary on the new declines recorded by Bitcoin on Wednesday. While the value of the most prominent digital coin had fallen below $30,000, Kopelman was quick to reassure punters that Bitcoin would soon be trading at $34,500 due to the reemergence of the Bart Formula (sic).

"[The decline in the price] marks a reoccurrence of the previous bear market in a so-called Beard formulation. The Beard is a chart pattern in which the crypto market rebounds sharply before experiencing a short period of sideways movement until it suddenly recoups all of its previous gains," was Kopelman's imparted wisdom.

Take a moment to consider that Luno claims to have more than 10 million customers in 40 countries. This is reportedly one of the more trustworthy, regulated and credible companies that retail investors can turn to when looking into crypto. And here's one of the key people basing their investment advice on Bart Simpson's haircut.

The infamous beard pattern - characterized by a humorous reference to the shape of Bart Simpson's head - suggests that the slump will be followed by another spike. As the market looks to recoup its losses in May, this pattern could continue as investors regain lost confidence and retest the next resistance at $34,500.

To be fair, there is no reason why Bart's name and image cannot be used for technical analysis. There is precedence: firstly, the Marubozu candlestick formation. According to those who make predictions about future price movements based on past patterns, the Marabozu candle is considered a sign that prices are about to rise. It is also a Japanese word that means bald or shaved head.

But none of this explains why Bitcoin’s price will recover. If we accept that the “sideways movement” in the price of Bitcoin represents Bart’s hair, then the next leg must certainly be lower, i.e. the outline of the side of Bart’s head. Kopelman seems to be predicting onevice versa beardbecause as far as we can tell, there is no upward trend anywhere here:

The other significant contribution to the cryptocurrency literature this week came in the form of a white paper describing the characteristics of a new stablecoin. This is very timely, coming just weeks after the spectacular collapse of algorithmic stablecoin Terra, which wiped out around $60 billion worth of assets in a dramatic trading session. Terra's failure has increased regulatory focus on stablecoins that link fiat and crypto assets.

The authors of the white paper for ZeroStablecoin or ZERC have a proposal to create a stablecoin that is 1) not unstable, 2) immune to fraudsters and governance failures, and 3) compliant with regulatory requirements around the world.

The suggestion is too put the coin to zero.

"Naive readers may be tempted to believe that ZeroStableCoin is worthless, as zero is often associated with worthlessness. However, the value of zero is not zero, although it is uncountable, as wiser souls than us have demonstrated," the paper says, before quoting the Dalai Lama.

That's right, it's a Zen stablecoin that's worth zero, but not zero either.

The starting point of her work quotesI want it this wayfrom Backstreet Boys as describing a common condition: "In human endeavors, and particularly in the realms of romance and finance, users often ask rhetorical questions of the universe, such as 'Tell me why?'" they write.

Perhaps sensing that their audience is ready for more sophisticated references, the authors move on to complex mathematical equations.

And to prove the mathematical courage behind ZeroStablecoin, the authors include this helpful diagram for the back of the class:

"The emptiness of ZeroStableCoin is therefore its incomparable power compared to other stablecoins. A power already discovered by philosophers specialized in this field," the article continues, before quoting Martin Heidegger's rhetorical dictum "that doesn't note anything“.

The nothing, as it suggests, is an alternative way of saying 1 ZERC = $1 = £1 = €1 = 1 BTC. These values ​​remain true even under “various adversarial market regime assumptions and against various adversarial models: rational, irrational, malevolent, honest but curious, honest but malevolent, active, passive, proactive, probiotic, hermetic and prophylactic.”

In what we call the Dark Ages of Stablecoins, many “stablecoins” were created but now have zero or near-zero value, or are widely believed to “go back to nothing” due to their poor design or questionable governance model. The enlightenment of stablecoins has a name: ZeroStableCoin. The first coin that is fixed at zero by design and is proven to be stable.

As is obligatory, ZeroStableCoin speaks of a “vibrant community of developers, economists and artists” that will stake its zero value guarantee in areas such as NFTs, token swaps and derivatives. Only the reference page – which includes the latest rewrite of the UK Ministerial Code and an anthemic crypto widow TikTok – strains the reader's credulity more than the average crypto white paper.

Still, the Zen stablecoin may not be any more or less useful for most crypto analysis. The Simpsons, after all some kind of white paper shows a much less dynamic variant of the beard formation: